Sins of the Flesh

All the kings horses, and all the kings men...ashes, ashes, they all fall..down.

How clear is my purpose now, razored brutal focus upon the task at hand. By Her will I am a force to be reckoned with. There are still many I must slink from, but there are oh so many more that must fear me. Sharp, singluar fixation, my Treasure even said, how cold I have become. She sees it. It is impossible not to.

I still hunger, but it is different now, more intense, more....lusting. I have given into it now, and oh how sweet it is.

Just like mulberries....he did not lie about that either.

Family Affair

I was orphaned during my eigth summer, and my sister...well, she died months later, and for the first time since that day, I do not recall..how. It used to haunt my nightmares, yet now...I barely remember her. My parents, too..distant, vague, like trying to recall a dream. So long was I alone, until Treasure...took me into her family, and yet I never truly stepped into what she offered, I kept myself from it, and oddly, I do not recall why. It all seems so trivial, and unimportant now.

There is another now. Mentor, Patron, Leader. He called me beautiful, and for the first time in my life, I truly felt so. With the weightless grace of serpent, I slither to my feet and oh how alive the world suddenly seems to me. How disconnected from it had I been my whole life, dwelling in my own pain, keeping it close to me like a shield. But in this moment, to feel the pulse of the city in my viens, to not just linger in the shadows, but become them, it was breathtaking, and humbling. He took my hand, and set his cold appraising gaze upon me...and he approved. Remade, in Her image.

He had been true, all this time I lingered in doubt, in fear, in unending, tormenting pain. But he had not lied, he had not been decieving, no, it was true. Once I had accepted the gift, without trying to control it, trying to bend it to MY will, did the pain cease. That was the key, accept it, absorb it, become it. And oh how incredible my transformation, how easily the pain slipped from me the moment I fell into blackness, unafraid.

I knew, from the beginning, that doubt would by my downfall, that it would push me from the path, and be my undoing. But I did not allow that to happen, he did not allow that to happen. I finally, threw myself into the abyss, fearless and without regret and finally, after this long, grinding soul wearying road, am I truly free. But it was his faith in me, never faultering, he guided me and did not give in, unlike the priest, who so quickly turned his back on me. No, he stayed with me though it all, being harsh when he had to be, gentle when I needed it. He saw me through the pain, and brought me to Her. For all this I am truly, deeply grateful. Thank you father.

Resignation

Lying on a cold, wet rocky surface, I woke, covered in blood and a strange blade in my hand. I have no idea who it belongs to. My head aches as I rise, and the blood has crusted to a stiffened mess upon my clothing. As far as I can tell, there isn't a scratch on me, and even as I stare around in this lightless place, I can not imagine where I am. The blade in my grip pulls my attention, and as I stare at it, in the monocromatic darkness, a flash of the beach wall, and a man cowering before me. Who...?

I struggle to my feet, and my world spins, and pain seeps into every molocule of my ravaged body. I did not ask for this....I did not know...when I followed him, that this would be the curse upon me. I stumble to a pool, the water calm and oddly warm and I barely recognise my own reflection in the surface. The humanity that remains in me, screams out to be cleansed, and so mechanically, I try to wash away the taint, but I only wash away the blood. I scrub at my skin, what I can get to, and try to erase the anger, erase the guilt, and I weep tearless pain into the dark, and I pray. There is no safe altar now, no place to go to find solace, the Dryth saw to that. So I pray here, and still no matter how I plead, how I pour myself into my prayers, She is deaf to me. Is this a test? Must I go only on my faith, that She will not abandon me, and that this suffering somehow serves her? I can not say.

I sit there then, in the quiet, in the ink blackness, and my mind is pulled towards those I love. yes...I love them, me...even as I am, still ache with the pain I cause them. A little smirk curls up one side of my ashen lips, as I recall another time, in a warm pool, with wine and strawberries and laughter. They still, desperately cling to the hope that those days will somehow return to us all. I know better.

They have each other, and I protect the flickering hope, that one day they can forgive me, for my time is short, and I can not go on like this.

The Hunger

The pain....it floors me sometimes, and I find myself quivering on my knees, pleading for it to pass. It feels like there are a million needles just beneath the surface of my skin, pushing to be free. It tears through my mind as well, a haunting, blinding torment, riddled with self-doubt, nightmares, and an emptyness, the lack of Her deeply felt. Oh how I desperately want to help, how I desperately NEED to be sure I am. My friends say I am being used, and I am inclined to agree, but at this point, there is little to be done for it. I am too far in now, to claw myelf out again.

I ripped through the priest's refuge, while he was off doing whatever it is that occupies him so thoroughly these days. I found nothing, nothing at all that could lead me to the truth. There was a chest there, locked, and I hammered upon it with a shovel, trying to break in, but to no avail. I was so angry, so frustrated, that I sliced my hand, and smeared my own blood upon that prescious altar of his, and the gift he gave me and left it hanging where he would find it. It was not a necessary gesture though, because at that moment, he returned, and caught me...red handed...so to speak. It was only by the blessing of Elbahn did I manage to slip past him, his hand reaching for my cloak, only my panic and speed allowed me to escape. I would be dead now if not for that luck.

So my search goes on, and I am driven to find my prize, I MUST find it. The hunger...oh GODS the hunger never ebbs, and no matter how often I try to satiate myself, it comes back in force. I fear one day, the hunger will claim me forever, and I will forget what I once was, and become something...primal, driven only by base instincts.

I pray for strength, but am met only by silence.

Please...let me be doing the right thing.

Descent

What is happening to me? I am...feeling...different, more...aggressive. I chased a girl all over the docks, a little game of cat and mouse, and oh what fun it was. She thought I wanted to rob her, silly girl. I clearly pointed out, that carrying over 2 POUNDS in silver out in the open like that was just asking for trouble. Had I wanted the money, it would have been mine. She finally lost me by running into the eastern gate, and begging the guard for help. That was my cue to take my leave.

Ahh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Fun and games.

So, here I am slinking about the city, keeping my eyes peeled and my steps light, when I run into a woman I have an interest in, and a man I had never crossed pathes with before.

Being very interested in keeping myself from the public eye, I lurked beneath the awning in the rain, the dim dusk light lending to my shelter. He, it appears has only recently arrived, and oh how eagar he seemed to me. Excited to be in the city, fresh off the farm. And who do you think this man happened upon, on his first big adventure? Well thats another tale on its own.

I could not resist it, something just urged me towards him while the pair of them carried on an inane conversation. I slipped right up behind him you see, watching, listening, and then he, behaving like a preening peacock to the lady with whom he shared his company, announced he was going to venture into the woods. His companion warned him, that it was dangerous out there, demons running amok and all that annoyance. He laughed, and said he would charge more for his finds.

It was then, that I had to speak up, and perhaps stop this man from getting himself killed. So I whispered to him, 'take the warning'. Of course, I had to throw in a dash of sinister, just to put the fear in him. The more he tried to be brave about it, the more funny he seemed as his courage began to slip. I was enjoying it. The more he reacted to my intimidation, the more amusing he became.

I promised him I would visit him again....soon.

I think I shall.

Careful what you wish for.

Immolate - definition: To kill as a sacrificial victim, as by fire.

This is the word that Cymur's priest kept using as he dragged me through the streets of Seahaven, ignoring all who protested against it. So blinded is he, by his own Gods light, by his own self righteousness, he can no longer see clearly at all. He insists that I have 'embraced the darkness' as he put it. Me, who came to him for help, bleeding and frightened, bearing the silver I owed him, that I desperately wanted to pay back. I deeply appreciated his faith in me, but how easily it was lost to him.

I have never broken a law, never hurt a soul, never stolen a thing. I have worked hard, and did my best, and tried to pull myself up from a terrible event that had scarred me since I was a child. And yet, I was harassed, and accused, and no matter how I tried to explain how wrong he was, he would not hear me. He had already judged me because I simply could not believe the words he insists, make his case.

So I found myself, upon my knees, praying for my salvation. I knew this time would come, I predicted that no matter what choice I made, it would cost me my life. And so I prayed, and knew in my heart that I had stuck to my principals, and would go to Annwn with a clear conscience. I even prayed to Cymur, and asked the Great Dragon to forgive his blind priest, for the grave mistake he was making. But Cymur was not the only God I prayed to.

Then, a miracle occurred, unexplained and impossible, but it DID happen. I was delivered, into safety, into the arms of friends, one moment in the hands of my captor, and the next looking upon my baffled Treasure. I am not sure how this happened, but I think I know why.

Now, I am no doubt hunted, and my friends will likely pay the price if I allow them to shelter me. I am now a criminal, simply because he has decided I am. I am to be persued and without hesitation or mercy, struck down where I stand. So, if I am to be treated like a criminal, perhaps I should start acting like one.

People should be careful what they wish for....because they just might get it.

Rock and a Dead Place

Decisions, decisions.

I have three options, each and every one leading to my death. How quickly the tides turn these days. A sudden rush of power and freedom, then the blades begin to fall. Now it is only a matter of a simple, pointless choice. To be honest, the choice has already been made, now the trick is, figuring out how to survive it.

What have I done?

I am free from my past, in the most poignant example of irony I have seen to date. The world, I have observed, is at its best when it is upside down. And that is happening now, and most move along in their lives, oblivious to the significance of recent events. Things are shifting, the tribes of the moon are between the cracks, working always.

As I said, I am indeed free now, in a way I have never experienced, and yet I wish I had possessed the faculties to ask the question "but at what cost?". But as it happens, hind sight is slanted thing is it not? I did not ask at the time, and now I am set upon a path that there is no wavering from, there is no room for doubt, or all will be undone, and I will be lost entirely.

I could try to say to myself, I did not know what the offer meant, but I can not pretend to be entirely ignorant. Something drew me in from the start and I let it happen. Perhaps not all the details, and definitely not the twist that was thrown in at the end. One I never saw coming, and
I can not say, even now, that I regret the price. I kept at bay, the few people who may have changed the outcome dramatically, and yet still may. But a much harsher, more violent outcome is now likely. If there is anything I regret at this moment, it is that.

There is something at risk in this, that is dear to me and I hope beyond hope, that somehow I can keep my Treasure.


.......so now all things must change, and preparations made, and prayers....so many prayers to come.